Laugh Date: Wednesday, November 22, 2017

What's Inside

Best of RAH:
Breaking Divine Wind

by Greg Borek

This story first appeared in the March 1993 issue of Random Access Humor.

Copyright © 1993 Greg Borek, All Rights Reserved.

Contrary to popular opinion, the user support hotline desk at Kamikaze computer is not a large, spacious room boasting a window with a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean. The actual conditions, almost too inhuman to mention, aren't too unlike life at the bottom of missile silo: flickering florescent lighting, an extremely squeaky laser printer, a fax machine that insists on beeping very loudly to announce its presence at random intervals, coffee that was specifically mentioned in the Nuremberg war trials, and a smoking policy that only someone who lives in a chimney would enjoy.

Under these adverse conditions, our hero bravely...deals with the public. Let's listen in:

Support: Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I help you?

Customer: Hello Bob. I bought a model A6M computer and I am having some problems with the floppy drive.

Support: Let's see. The A6M has high density 5.25" floppy drives. What sort of problems are you having?

Customer: Well, the drive is awfully slow and really squeaky.

Support: Squeaky...Hmm. Sounds to me that it needs some lubrication. I recommend processed american cheese food.

Customer: You want me to feed the mouse cheese?

Support: No, of course not. That would be silly. Take the cheese out of the wrapper, put it in the disk drive and reboot the machine.

Customer: Um...are you sure?

Support: Of course I am. Only processed american cheese food contains the correct ratio of dairy and petroleum by-products to correctly lubricate a disk drive. When you call back remember to ask for Bob. Enjoy your Kamikaze and have a nice day. Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I help you?

Customer: My name is Grandpa Jones.

Support: Nice to meet you Mr. Jones. How can I help you?

Customer: I bought one of your computers and it's a piece of junk.

Support: That's not fair, Mr. Jones. What seems to be the matter?

Customer: It doesn't work.

Support: Well, Mr. Jones, could you be more specific? Did you assemble the computer yourself?

Customer: Assemble? I took it out of the box and it just sits there.

Support: Did you attach any of the shiny black wires that came with the computer from the computer to the power outlet on the wall?

Customer: Wires?

Support: How exactly did you expect the computer to work when it isn't even plugged in? If you look carefully the box says "Computer" and not "Fusion Reactor"; it doesn't generate it's own power, you must do something we technical people call "plugging it in". On second thought, I recommend that you don't even assemble your computer for fear of infecting it with your startling stupidity. When you call back remember to ask for Bob. Have a nice day. Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I help you?

Customer: Hello. I recently purchased one of your computers through the mail and I was wondering what FCC class it is.

Support: Which model do you have?

Customer: Oh, I'm sorry, I should have said. Let me see, I have the documentation right here,...oh, yes, it's an N1K1.

Support: Oh, a top of the line model. Well, that would be FCC class B.

Customer: Class B, huh? Thank you. Also, I am concerned about the computer intefering with the TV and radio reception in my home. The question is, what is the best room in the house to put the computer?

Support: The higher off the ground the better.

Customer: Why higher off the ground?

Support: Let me let you in on a not widely known electrical engineering secret. It is the little publicized Kirchhoff's Other Law: The higher off the ground the computer is, the faster it runs.

Customer: Really?

Support: Oh, yes. Have you ever seen a Cray computer? No, of course not. No one has. Why? Because they are tied to weather balloons and kept at very great altitude. They would use planes to keep them suspended in midair but they interfere with hard drives.

Customer: I didn't know that. So where should I put the computer?

Support: On the roof.

Customer: On the roof? Isn't it going to get wet up there?

Support: Most likely.

Customer: I think that it's pretty irresponsible to recommend putting a computer somewhere it can get wet.

Support: Not as irresponsible as purchasing several thousand dollars of computer equipment through the mail, sight unseen. When you call back remember to ask for Bob. Enjoy your Kamikaze and have a nice day. Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi there, Bob. I was wondering if you could quote me the prices for several Kamikaze computer models.

Support: This is the user support hotline. The sales lines are available during regular business hours. What model of computer were you interested in, anyway?

Customer: I was wondering if you had a 486DX2 at 66 Mhz with over a 500 Meg hard disk, say for under $1000.

Support: No, you cheap bastard. What do want us to do just mail you a computer for free? When you call back be sure to ask for Bob.

New Person: Hello, Chuck. How's it going manning the hotline on your last day?

Support: I'll tell you Bob, the phone has been ringing off the hook, one call right after another. I don't mind though, keeps me busy.

New Person: Well, Chuck, I'm really sorry to hear about you getting laid off. I hope it's not been too rough on you.

Support: I've learned to deal with it in my own way. Good luck, Bob. Have fun on the phones tomorrow night.

______________________________

Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (okay, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you.) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via e-mail at:

______________________________

Random Nonsense:
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
 

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