Best of RAH96:
Nothing But The Truth
by Greg Borek
Copyright © 1995 Greg Borek, All Rights Reserved.
Say, Bob, what's that on your TV?
Oh, didn't I mention that? I've been dabbling a little in
electronics and I made a TV filter for the cable.
A TV filter? How does it work?
I created the software and circuitry to only display programs
that display the truth. Only accurate and wholesome stuff.
Really? How well does it work?
See for yourself. Look at that. Mostly nothing. 150
channels and all I get is John Wayne movies, Infiniti commercials,
Rush Limbaugh, and pre-Eisner Disney movies.
Can you, I don't know, widen the definition?
I tried changing it just a little but all I could also get
was Looney Tunes cartoons. No matter how much I expand it though,
I can't get Sam Donaldson at all.
No chance to show regular TV then?
Well, I figured out how to show broadcast TV but the software
has to interpret what the speaker is saying and say what he means in
the speaker's voice. You get to watch the actual shows but it's a
little disconcerting watching TV when the people lip's don't match
their words. Wait, I'll show you. I'll switch settings and we'll
watch something. Here you go:
Good morning and welcome to Liberal Propaganda, an
alleged news program with almost as much credibility as the
National Enquirer. Our purpose is to only spread the liberal
agenda with no rational debate. Since we have nothing constructive
to say we try to create fear to try to hang on to our support base
In our constant attempt to try to make conservatives look
ridiculous, we have invited the Reverend Tightass, founder of
Crusty Harmful Useless Meddling People, and so far to the right
he looks G. Gordon Liddy look like Ted Kennedy. We will use him
to make the great unwashed masses think all conservatives are this
closed-minded and extreme. Reverend, good morning you old fool.
You were thinking about sex just then, weren't you?
Fascist. Also on the program is some poor schmoe we are
going to make look like a moralless exploiter of little children if
we can, but is in actuality just some guy running a bulletin board.
Meet Joe Sysop, victim for the day.
Good morning, Moderator. I'm nervous about being here.
There is only reason why you would invite me on the show. I only
hope I don't get barbecued before I get a chance to state...
Hey, hey, none of that. I am god here. Now, time to
bait the old codger. Reverend, if I understand your group's
position correctly (which is quite difficult with all of the
martinis I had for breakfast), you essentially don't want anyone to
have any fun at all. Is that right?
Yes, that is correct. Fun and enjoyment are contrary to
the rigorous discipline required to achieve salvation. I would
beat the congregation with sticks if I could get away with it. The
pain inflicted would keep their minds off sex for a while, anyway.
Why don't you think fun allowed in your religion? I don't
remember your Good Book saying "Thou shalt not have fun". Jesus
went to wedding receptions, didn't he? He made wine, didn't he?
How dare you contradict me! I will tolerate no
dissension in my beliefs or opinions! And stop thinking about sex!
Now we're getting somewhere. Reverend, one of your
group's founding principles is to stick their noses in to everyone
else's business. Isn't this complicated by the free and open
exchange of ideas on bulletin boards and the Internet?
Of course. That's precisely why we need to control every aspect...
...of all mediums of communication so people don't talk
about sex. Yes, we know.
Well, sonny, isn't it true that you could use bulletin
boards or the Internet to talk about sex?
So what if they do? What about the First Amendment? What
about free speech?
If we have free speech people will be able to talk about
sex! In public! An abomination!
The First Amendment is there just because of people like you...
Sysop, please, continue to bait the old fart. He may
have a fit or hit you or something else dramatic. Fisticuffs are
really good for the ratings.
As reported in Time magazine, according to a study done
at Carnegie-Mellon University, 83.5% of traffic on the Use net is
The Rimm study! Ha! You are quoting from an unscientific
study done by an undergraduate electrical engineer. His numbers
are all wrong! If you do the math on the figures he came up with
himself, the total is only 0.5%! I'm not letting you get away
No facts, please; they give me a headache and only
confuse the issue. Reverend, you were saying 83.5% of the images
were pornographic? How can I get a look at some of them?
That has so little to do with the good that computer
networks provide. If you would only listen I'm sure you would...
He's still thinking about sex. Just look at him. I bet
he thinks about sex all the time. I can tell just by looking at
Well, thank God that's over and I can go back to the
bar. I am always amazed you idiots out there in fly-over land
depend on us alleged news programs for your facts and ideas when
you already caught us putting bombs in pickup trucks so they
explode dramatically. What am I saying? You idiots probably
didn't have a long enough attention span to watch this whole
program anyway and I'm probably talking to myself.
Not very good, is it?
Nah. Forget that idiot box. Let's play a game of chess instead.
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (okay, "Beltway Bandit"
- but don't tell his boss we told you.) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously
been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via e-mail at:
(A)bort (R)etry (F)ail (U)nplug & (S)ell.